


Memories

by TherapyBard



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [8]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Caleb Widogast-centric, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I'm so mean to him in all of my fics, Memory Alteration, Minor Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, POV Caleb Widogast, POV Nott | Veth Brenatto, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, That's more than Liam does most of the time, Though I also give him hugs, Warning: Trent Ikithon, asshole ocs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29744850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TherapyBard/pseuds/TherapyBard
Summary: While walking through a new town, the Mighty Nein are stopped by guards that suspect them of robbery. The guards search them and are not kind to their belongings. What happens when the destroy something Caleb deeply cares about?
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre & Caleb Widogast, Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1942036
Kudos: 63
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Dissociation, bad people in a position of authority (guards), missing meals, discussion of Caleb's past (child abuse, brainwashing, memory alteration, grooming).  
> This is for the Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt Treasured Possession Destroyed  
> Note: This is set in a nebulous time period where everything with Lucien has been resolved and the party is just exploring. I know this time probably doesn’t exist, but I’m gonna write about it anyway. Also this fic doesn’t work the way I want it to any other way.

“Stop!” a crownsguard said.

Caleb’s first instinct was to look over at Veth and Jester. If anyone had enough time to piss off the guards of a town they’d only been in for about half an hour, it would be them. Even so, they seemed just as surprised as everyone else.

Fjord took the lead, stepping out in front of the others. He carefully avoided various deep puddles that covered the uneven ground. Caleb assumed it must have rained here recently. “Hello, is something the matter?”

The human guard who first called out to them looked Fjord up and down. Two others stood behind him, one human and one half-elven. “Maybe, maybe not. That depends on how much you all are willing to cooperate.”

“Whatever you need. We don’t want to start any trouble.”

Caleb did his best to look as non-threatening as possible. Not very necessary, given that he was by far the least physically imposing member of the team, but you develop that habit after spending a few years on the streets. Most guards had a “beat and arrest first, ask questions later” approach with homeless people.

“Good to hear. My name’s Marlin. You’re names?”

Everyone introduced themselves.

“As you may or may not know, there was a robbery nearby. One of the people involved matches your description.” He nodded in Fjord’s direction.

“We’ve only been in town less than an hour,” Caduceus said, taking a step forward. “We don’t know anything about this, but if we hear anything we’ll be sure to let you know.”

The guard smirked. “A little defensive aren’t we?” He held a hand out to Fjord. “Give me your bag and coat so I can search it.”

Fjord tightened his grip on the bag of holding. “That’s a little much, isn’t it?”

Marlin kept his hand out. 

“We don’t want to start a fight with them,” Caduceus said to Fjord. “Don’t worry, I’ll know if they try something fishy.”

Fjord reluctantly handed his things to the guard. “Thank you.” Marlin looked over his shoulder. “Alamina, Henfyr, start searching the others. He could’ve passed it off.”

They approached Yasha and Caduceus as Marlin tried to look through the bag of holding. Fjord showed him how it worked. “Why are we just letting them do this?” Jester whispered. “We can totally take them if we wanted to.”

“Ja, but we don’t want to,” Caleb said. “They are just doing their job. No need to hurt them for that, even if they are assholes.”

“Oh, what’s this?” the female guard, Alamina, asked. She held up Yasha’s book.

“That’s just for flowers.” Yasha ripped the book from her hands and held it against herself protectively.

Alamina laughed. “What’s a big girl like you doing with a book of flowers.” The other guards laughed too. Caleb and Veth each took one of Beau’s arms to stop her from charging. “Ah well, not like we’re looking for a book.”

The rest of the group got searched in a similar manner. They mocked everyone’s belongings as if this was some sort of game to them. One even went as far as to throw some of Veth’s buttons on the ground ‘on accident’.  _ We should’ve just scared these assholes off. _

Caleb was last to go. He regretted avoiding this as long as he did, as if left all of them available to turn their focus on him. They predictably laughed as he took off his coat and revealed his book holster. “Woah, what’s up with this shit?” Henfyr reached to grab one of the books, causing Caleb to flinch away.

“You said you aren’t looking for a book,” Caduceus said.

“Fine, whatever.” Caleb froze as they looked through his other belongings. He didn’t like people looking at his stuff. It was personal. It was  _ his _ .

“Welp, I don’t see it in your bag,” Marlin said, “but I did find this.” He pulled out…  _ Nein… _ “What’s so special about this book that you aren’t willing to fuck it up by wearing it like a fucking fashion accessary.” He flipped open to a random page. “Wow, is this a fucking diary? What are you, 12? What grown ass man writes in fucking diary.”

Veth tried to rip the book out of his hands, baring her teeth like she occasionally would during her time as a goblin. He was able to keep it out of her reach. “No need to be so aggressive, pipsqueak.”

“I don’t see it in his jacket, though there are some literally jars of shit in here.” Alamina held up his jar of bat shit. Caleb couldn’t bring himself to defend his spell components, eyes trained on the book.

“Awesome. Looks like you all are free to go. Cheers.” They all walked away. Marlin threw the book over his shoulder as he walked past them. It landed completely submerged in one of the deep puddles.

“Hey!” Beau screamed as Caleb picked it up in a panic. He opened to a random page. All of the writing was illegible now and the pages stuck together.

“Here, let me try something,” Fjord knelt down next to him as Caleb’s breathing started to speed up. He grabbed the book and cast a spell. The pages shriveled up as if the book had been left in the desert for months. He opened the pages, all of which were still ruined.

* * *

Caleb didn’t tell everyone what the book was, and Veth didn’t want to be the one to ask. Instead, she watched as he numbly stared at the ruined pages. Fjord looked up at the rest of them. He quite clearly had no idea how to help Caleb when he got lost in his own head like this. That was where Veth came in.

She sat down next to him and took his hand. “Are you okay? Do you need a minute?” He shook his head.  _ No words right now. I can deal with that. _ “Do you think you can do the cool tower thing now? That way you can have some privacy if you want.” He nodded and started to get up.

Fjord helped Caleb to his feet. “Danke,” Caleb mumbled. 

Yasha found them a safe alleyway for Caleb to put the tower. He went through the motions with a blank expression. They went inside. “I can make you some tea if you’d like,” Caduceus said.

“No thank you. I’d rather be by myself for a bit.” Caleb floated up through the floors without waiting for a reply.

“Should we stop him?” Yasha asked.

“No,” Veth said. “Sometimes he just needs to be by himself.”

“Okay, I get that. I still think…” She walked over to a grey tabby cat. “Hello. Can you follow Caleb and come get us if he hurts himself or anything like that?” The cat scurried away.

Beau sighed. “I hate the fact that we have to do that, but it’s probably a good call.”

They made their way to the dining room to have some lunch, though none of them particularly felt like eating. Even Jester barely touched her plate of bear claws. “I don’t get why we didn’t just fight them off. We could’ve if we tried.”

“If we did, that would’ve just created more problems for us in the future,” Caduceus pointed out. “We can’t antagonize the crownsguard of every town we come across, although I do agree that those three gave us ample reason to.”

Beau stabbed her stake with her fork. “Ugh, I know. Those guys were such assholes. What do you wanna bet that description they had was just any half-orc?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time that happened,” Fjord said. The rest of lunch passed without incident.

* * *

Caleb didn’t come down for dinner either. In fact, no one had seen him since he disappeared that afternoon. The fact that the cat hadn’t gone to get them stopped Veth from running around to find him. Surely he wouldn’t stop the cat. He could be self-loathing at times, but he was never self-destructive, right?

Almost everyone finished their meals early, leaving Veth, Beau, and Jester alone at the table. “Where do you guys think he is?” Jester asked.

“Probably somewhere on his trauma floor,” Beau said.

“Yeah, probably.” Jester turned towards Veth. “Do you think he’ll eat if I bring him some food?”

“I mean, when it was just the two of us, I was never able to make him eat when he was like this unless I guilted him or something, and I always hate doing that.”

“Doesn’t hurt to try though, right?” Beau called over a long-furred black cat. “Get us some…. What does he like?”

“He’s not picky. We should get something that’s plain and easy on the stomach, like rice.” The cat ran off.

Jester tilted her head. “You want to give him rice? But that’s so boring. I always eat sweets and stuff when I want to cheer up.”

“I’d rather listen to Veth on this one,” Beau said. “We’ve all seen him barf when he’s stressed. I’d rather not risk that.” Veth winced at the memory of Caleb throwing up in Yeza’s shop. She couldn’t stop feeling guilty about the things she’d said that day, especially because Caleb seemed to think her reaction was justified. Beau took another sip of her hot cocoa. “Veth, while we’re waiting, do you know what that book was?”

“No. I’ve only seen it a couple of times and I’ve never read it.”

Jester gasped. “Wait, what if it was something from his parents? Oh no! He would be so sad.”

“Nah, I don’t think so,” Beau said. “His house burned down and I doubt Trent would’ve let him keep any mementos.”

The cat came back with a large bowl of steamed rice. “Perfect.” Veth took it from the cat. “Alright, let’s see what we can do.”

They left the dining room and went to the 8th floor; Beau thankfully remembered the password. Veth couldn’t help but stare at the 9 doors that greeted them, theorizing about what the rooms hid. They only knew one third of them. She could assume they went in chronological order based on that sample size, going from his childhood home to where they all met. If anything, she was most curious about what laid behind doors 2 and 3. Those must take place before going to the academy.

Veth forced herself to abandon that train of thought. They were here to help Caleb, not snoop through his memories. “Caleb, are you here?” She asked.

“We brought food!” Jester added.

After a few moments passed with no response, Beau said, “We won’t look in whatever room you’re in if you don’t want us to. We’ll close our eyes or something so you can come out.”

Once again, there was no response.

“We know you’re up here, dude. We just wanna make sure you’re okay. You missed two meals.”

“... You can come in, if you’d like.” Caleb’s voice came from behind the seventh door. The three of them shared a look with one another before Jester walked over and pushed the door open.

Insided they found a dark, grimy room with a cheap bed tucked into the corner. All of the light in the room came from a thin window high up on the back wall. Caleb sat on the bed with his legs tucked against his chest. The cat Yasha had sent up cuddled against his side.

“Wow. This place is really dark, Caleb,” Jester said.

“Right, right. Sorry.” Caleb put his legs down and cast dancing lights. That only made the room look worse, most likely because it made the poor maintenance the room received more apparent. “Did I really miss dinner?”

“Yeah, you’ve been up here for hours.” Veth handed him the bowl of rice.

“I did not realize how long it had been. I hadn’t meant to worry you.”

“It’s alright. I just want to make sure you’re okay after what just happened.”

He took a bite. “Don’t worry about me. It was… silly. This could even be a good thing, help me let go. I should not have reacted as strongly as I did.”

Beau scoffed before sitting down next to him. “You’ve known us long enough to know that, whatever this is, we’re not gonna think it’s silly.”

“Ja.. Ja, you are right. I… He was right, it was a journal of sorts. I did not use it in the traditional sense. I recorded a detailed description of everything important that happens in a given day. That way I could know my memory… That I remember things correctly.”

“Why would you…” Jester cut herself off. “I’m not calling it stupid or anything ‘cause I’m sure you have a good reason, but you have a perfect memory. Why do you need something like that?”

“Not… Not always perfect. Not when someone messes with it.”

“Why would anyone-”

Beau shook her head. “He.. has his reasons.”

Veth pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry, Caleb. I didn’t even think about that. Of course you would be worried about things like that after what happened.”

Jester frowned. “Wait, what happened? Are you okay? I know greater restoration cures memory things. Do you want me to cast it on you?”

“No, I’m… Thank you for the hug, Veth, but I would rather not right now.” Veth let go and sat down by the cat. “Um, there are things you don’t know, Jester, about my past. I…”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“I do, it’s just hard. I left it out of the story earlier because, well, it is not important in the grand scheme of things, but it is relevant now. I…” He took a deep breath and grabbed Veth’s hand. “You know I killed my Mother and Father. You do not know why. I… Trent gave me memories of them…. Planning to betray the empire. I told this to Trent, knowing this was bad and that I must do something, but… I had spent the last year and a half of my life training to take care of such threats. I knew what he would ask me to do, I just couldn’t accept it until he gave me the order. Then… I did it.”

“But they didn’t actually want to betray the empire? Trent just made you think they did?”

Caleb nodded.

“Oh, that’s so horrible, Caleb! I can’t believe he did that to you. Well, I can, but… That’s really bad.” Jester looked near tears. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“It was not... relevant.” The pause told Veth that he didn’t truly believe that.

“Come on, dude. Of course that’s fucking relevant,” Beau said. “You told me and Veth that part when you told us about your parents.”

“Ja, and that ruined it!” He shook his head. “Sorry, I… I don’t mean to yell at you.”

“What do you mean ‘ruined it’?” Veth asked.

Caleb took her hand. “I… You are all very kind. Too kind to me. You forgave me, as if having my memories altered changed anything. I fear it gave you the wrong impression of events.”

“But it does change things. You were tricked and-”

“Let’s say I wasn’t. Let’s say my parents truly did plan to betray the Empire. Would you say I was right to kill them then? Of course not. It changes nothing.”

“It was definitely wrong, but it wasn’t you. At least, not completely you,” Beau said.

“Yeah, I mean, you said your friends did it too, right?” Jester asked. “You just spend a long time being taught it’s your job to protect the empire and that it’s the most important thing for you. It’s either kill traitors or the Empire falls and people suffer. You were hurt and brainwashed. You thought you were doing the right thing.”

“But I wasn’t. I obviously wasn’t.”

“And, what, you think Trent just so happened to only pick kids that were irredeemable pieces of shit?” Beau asked. “Anyone put through what happened to you would’ve done it. It wasn’t you.”

Caleb shook his head but said nothing to refute that.

Veth squeezed his hand “I know you aren’t gonna be able to accept that right now. It’s a lot, and I am proud of you for coming as far as you have.”

“... Danke.”

She looked around the room. Now that her eyes had adjusted to the darkness, she could see the cracks in the walls, the cobwebs in one of the corners. “What is this place?”

“My room in the sanatorium.”

Beau’s eyes widened. “You’re what? You were stuck in  _ here  _ for eleven years?”

“Well, I don’t remember most of it, so it’s not so bad. I am not surprised they did not take good care of it. I know I was… dangerous when I was first brought in.”

Veth forgot how much of Caleb’s life he lost because of Trent. 11 years. Almost a third of his life so far, more if you count his training. “I’m sorry. That’s awful.”

“It’s alright. I’m here now, ja? I won’t say I’m happy it all happened, but I am glad something good came of it.”

Jester took Caleb’s other hand. “I’m not gonna say you have to leave if you don’t want to, but I think you’ve been trapped here long enough.” Caleb smiled and let her pull him to his feet.

He looked at the barely touched bowl of rice. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to disregard your gift. Thank you for coming up. I may have stayed up here all night otherwise.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ve got better food downstairs anyway.” Jester scratched the cat’s head before leading the others out of the room.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it! I greatly appreciate comments, constructive criticism included.
> 
> Spoilers for the most recent episode below. Do not read if you did not watch live and don't want to be spoiled:
> 
> I know a lot of people have been debating the morality of the team's actions. I'm firmly in camp these people knew what they were guarding and, while they didn't deserve to die per say, I don't think that Caleb was morally wrong to kill them. I also don't think people would be making as big of a deal out of this if they had been killed less gruesomely. I don't see anyone calling Veth out for wanting to kill the first guard before even trying anything else. It also seemed pretty clear to me that Caleb was full on suppressing his emotions. He repeated "Stay on task" like a mantra many times and even told Veth they could talk about this later. I feel like this was him regressing to his training: Don't think about the morality of your actions, just do what you need to do as effectively as possible. Fire spells could hurt his friends in close quarters, so that gravity spell was his most effective one for a quick kill.  
> As far as whether or not the heist was worth it, I feel like it obviously must be. I had my doubts too at first, but think about it. Why would Matt let the party waste three whole episodes on something like this only for it to mean nothing? Once he set the heist up and made the maps, the players basically had to go through with it (or would feel like they had to). I could be wrong, but I feel like Matt would've found a way to divert their attention if he knew the necklaces would do nothing against Lucien.  
> Now, for the ending: I am very scared. So scared that I'm not letting myself think about this for too long. All I know is that Matt wouldn't put the players in a no-win situation.


End file.
